[ Painfully flat, indeed. Mikado gives a little snort anyway. ]
I'll find you.
[ That's all he says, and then he's walking, and dodging, and falling, and running, and falling again and getting up again and running until he has to walk again and then... he's there, spotting Masaomi from a distance and screaming his name, louder and more panicked than he'd like to admit, dirty and with new blood stains on his own clothes, though no current visible injuries. ]
[Masaomi finds himself pacing as he waits for his friend. He doesn't know whether it's because he's worried about Mikado or if it's because he's worried about meeting Mikado now, but it's probably a little of both. When the boy who runs can't escape from his fears, calming down feels impossible.
So when he hears Mikado call his name, his heart stops along with his pacing, if only for a second, and he immediately looks up.]
Mikado, you-! [Really aren't dead.] ...look like you tripped over an alligator pit.
This hobby of telling me how bad I look really isn't much fun.
[ He says the words as lightly as he can manage, but that doesn't stop him moving, continuing on in Masaomi's direction. He's not running now at least, though he does walk quickly, crossing the space between them efficiently. He stands not quite touching, not quite daring to reach out, though close enough he easily could. ]
I'm practicing my self-healing, that's all. You going to stay out here for a bit? Do you need some supplies?
[Self-healing. Masaomi snorts, but he doesn't say anything else about it. Mikado isn't the one who was fucked to death. Masaomi has no ground to stand on. How can he expect himself to look after Mikado if he can't even look after himself?
He drops his head, then shakes it.]
I'm fine. Seriously. I just felt like getting some fresh air is all. Y'know, like venting after losing a fight.
...
I might camp out here tonight though.
[He can't bring himself to ask Mikado to do the same. He feels too pathetic as it is.]
[ He can't push it. He wants to know, but he really can't push it. Should he have asked Eudaimonia for more details of how she found them? But then he hadn't known for sure it was Masaomi then, either. Not til he'd checked with Tess. Now that he knew for sure, he could try again, but that would be too dangerous, probably. Making Eudaimonia remember did not sound like a good plan. Which left him unable to find out, and it made him wonder, and worry, and wish a great many things.
Instead of focusing on that, he looks around them a little, just checking out the surroundings. Then he plops himself down on a - suddenly there, suddenly convenient - sleeping bag, leaving room for Masaomi to sit beside him on the bag if he likes. ]
[Masaomi won't be in any condition to give details about his experience for a long time. This wasn't just another of his "oops, Masaomi did it again" garden variety fuck ups. Because of Kida Masaomi, Tess had been raped, tortured, murdered... and raped again. He can't even let himself think about it, let alone talk to someone else.
He'd watched every second of it. The fucking trap had even held his eyes open. She kept apologizing because she couldn't save him, and he could only...
Mikado's voice shakes him back to the present. When did that sleeping bag get there? When did Mikado walk over to sit on it? Masaomi doesn't remember. His fist is shaking. He quickly moves it behind his back.]
Uh- sure.
[He wills himself not to be too pale as he follows his friend to the sleeping bag he's concocted. Hopefully, it works.]
Me too. The stuff the Hedonists come up with is pretty weird too, isn't it?
[ There's a little huff that should have been a laugh but isn't one, and Mikado wrinkles his nose at it. He's not fooled by Masaomi's attempts to appear normal, but he's not going to call him on it either, not now. His best friend was dead, he can't be expected to be normal right now. ]
Here, I can do ramen.
[ And then suddenly there's a campfire, and a pot hanging over it, and a cooler and a tent and a whole little campsite, one thing after another popping into existence around them. They're a little funny in places, the textures off in weird ways, the fire a strange flat color instead of flickering in differing shades as the fluctuation in heat should make it do. Still, the way everything just kind of exists suddenly is enough to be proud of. ]
See, Masaomi? All you have to believe in is me, okay?
[His eyes dart from one miraculously appearing item to the next. It should be reassuring. Mikado has gotten almost too good at this believing crap. He's doing alright here. It's not though, and Masaomi hates himself for that. The more Mikado conjures up with that effortless bravado, the harder Masaomi's own uselessness slaps him in the face.
Of course, the more useless he feels, the more useless he becomes. In his hands, the power of belief is nothing but a handicap.]
You've gotten pretty good at this. I didn't think...
[He trails off, not sure what he's trying to say himself. Maybe he just thought none of this, neither of them, would turn out this way.]
[ Maybe it's not the right time to show off, but he'd just been trying to help. He checks the pot, busying himself with that ramen even though he's not sure his friend will really feel like eating, or for that matter, whether he will. He doesn't look at Masaomi as he speaks again. ]
I... always did have a big imagination, though not always in the best ways. Some of the things I dream up are pretty scary, but it's nice being able to use it in good ways too.
[ He hunches a shoulder slightly. ]
I just want to make things as nice for you as I can. And if you need me to stay out here tonight, I can, but after that... I really should try to help more people.
[Mikado's lack of eye contact is mirrored in Masaomi's downward gaze.]
I'm really glad you're here. Not that you're stuck here, but... You know.
[Masaomi shrugs. He's glad that he's not alone. As surreal as it is to sit here while Mikado conjures up an entire camp site, as pathetic and outside of everything as he feels after what's happened, it allows him to appreciate Mikado's concern all the more. He's not uncomfortable because of what Mikado's doing; he's uncomfortable because he doesn't deserve it. Mikado has always indulged him like that.
It probably makes him a terrible person, but he decides to cling to that right now.]
This is a lot better than lying on a rock and talking to my shadow. It just means I've gotta up my game.
[And fast. In more ways than one. He laughs under his breath, a bitter, barely audible self-deprecation.]
It's pretty sad when the emperor has to feed his vassal.
Would you want to follow an emperor who would let his vassal starve?
[ For all that things are strange in this world, including sometimes between them, Mikado doesn't have to stop and think about this answer. He doesn't have to stop and think about whether he should do anything for Masaomi, or whether his friend deserves it, or even whether he deserves Masaomi. The words come out easily, naturally, and Mikado stirs the ramen idly as it boils in the pot. ]
[ His voice is serious, a little demanding even perhaps. But then the moment is past, and he's moving to dish up ramen into bowls that appear out of nowhere, hand one off to his friend. He settles down as if he plans to eat quietly; he doesn't really mind more talking, but doesn't need it either, and it's pretty much just a matter of what Masaomi needs, now.
If his friend can eat something, it'll make Mikado feel a lot better, at least. ]
[Talking isn't something he's very good for right now. Talking requires either admittance or denial, and he doesn't have the energy for either. He feels that's evidenced pretty obviously in their conversation thus far. But he doesn't want to think about that either, so he accepts the offered ramen and promptly focuses his attention on it, letting the smell invade his nostrils as a nausea test.
When no vomit is imminent, one little sip is followed by another is followed by a cautious mouthful. Maybe it's the relief or even just Mikado's presence (because it's certainly not the taste), but it takes everything he has not to cry into the bowl.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'll find you.
[ That's all he says, and then he's walking, and dodging, and falling, and running, and falling again and getting up again and running until he has to walk again and then... he's there, spotting Masaomi from a distance and screaming his name, louder and more panicked than he'd like to admit, dirty and with new blood stains on his own clothes, though no current visible injuries. ]
MASAOMI!
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So when he hears Mikado call his name, his heart stops along with his pacing, if only for a second, and he immediately looks up.]
Mikado, you-! [Really aren't dead.] ...look like you tripped over an alligator pit.
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[ He says the words as lightly as he can manage, but that doesn't stop him moving, continuing on in Masaomi's direction. He's not running now at least, though he does walk quickly, crossing the space between them efficiently. He stands not quite touching, not quite daring to reach out, though close enough he easily could. ]
I'm practicing my self-healing, that's all. You going to stay out here for a bit? Do you need some supplies?
no subject
He drops his head, then shakes it.]
I'm fine. Seriously. I just felt like getting some fresh air is all. Y'know, like venting after losing a fight.
...
I might camp out here tonight though.
[He can't bring himself to ask Mikado to do the same. He feels too pathetic as it is.]
no subject
[ He can't push it. He wants to know, but he really can't push it. Should he have asked Eudaimonia for more details of how she found them? But then he hadn't known for sure it was Masaomi then, either. Not til he'd checked with Tess. Now that he knew for sure, he could try again, but that would be too dangerous, probably. Making Eudaimonia remember did not sound like a good plan. Which left him unable to find out, and it made him wonder, and worry, and wish a great many things.
Instead of focusing on that, he looks around them a little, just checking out the surroundings. Then he plops himself down on a - suddenly there, suddenly convenient - sleeping bag, leaving room for Masaomi to sit beside him on the bag if he likes. ]
Think you could eat?
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He'd watched every second of it. The fucking trap had even held his eyes open. She kept apologizing because she couldn't save him, and he could only...
Mikado's voice shakes him back to the present. When did that sleeping bag get there? When did Mikado walk over to sit on it? Masaomi doesn't remember. His fist is shaking. He quickly moves it behind his back.]
Uh- sure.
[He wills himself not to be too pale as he follows his friend to the sleeping bag he's concocted. Hopefully, it works.]
Never thought I'd actually miss ramen.
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[ There's a little huff that should have been a laugh but isn't one, and Mikado wrinkles his nose at it. He's not fooled by Masaomi's attempts to appear normal, but he's not going to call him on it either, not now. His best friend was dead, he can't be expected to be normal right now. ]
Here, I can do ramen.
[ And then suddenly there's a campfire, and a pot hanging over it, and a cooler and a tent and a whole little campsite, one thing after another popping into existence around them. They're a little funny in places, the textures off in weird ways, the fire a strange flat color instead of flickering in differing shades as the fluctuation in heat should make it do. Still, the way everything just kind of exists suddenly is enough to be proud of. ]
See, Masaomi? All you have to believe in is me, okay?
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Of course, the more useless he feels, the more useless he becomes. In his hands, the power of belief is nothing but a handicap.]
You've gotten pretty good at this. I didn't think...
[He trails off, not sure what he's trying to say himself. Maybe he just thought none of this, neither of them, would turn out this way.]
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[ Maybe it's not the right time to show off, but he'd just been trying to help. He checks the pot, busying himself with that ramen even though he's not sure his friend will really feel like eating, or for that matter, whether he will. He doesn't look at Masaomi as he speaks again. ]
I... always did have a big imagination, though not always in the best ways. Some of the things I dream up are pretty scary, but it's nice being able to use it in good ways too.
[ He hunches a shoulder slightly. ]
I just want to make things as nice for you as I can. And if you need me to stay out here tonight, I can, but after that... I really should try to help more people.
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I'm really glad you're here. Not that you're stuck here, but... You know.
[Masaomi shrugs. He's glad that he's not alone. As surreal as it is to sit here while Mikado conjures up an entire camp site, as pathetic and outside of everything as he feels after what's happened, it allows him to appreciate Mikado's concern all the more. He's not uncomfortable because of what Mikado's doing; he's uncomfortable because he doesn't deserve it. Mikado has always indulged him like that.
It probably makes him a terrible person, but he decides to cling to that right now.]
This is a lot better than lying on a rock and talking to my shadow. It just means I've gotta up my game.
[And fast. In more ways than one. He laughs under his breath, a bitter, barely audible self-deprecation.]
It's pretty sad when the emperor has to feed his vassal.
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[ For all that things are strange in this world, including sometimes between them, Mikado doesn't have to stop and think about this answer. He doesn't have to stop and think about whether he should do anything for Masaomi, or whether his friend deserves it, or even whether he deserves Masaomi. The words come out easily, naturally, and Mikado stirs the ramen idly as it boils in the pot. ]
I'm glad you're here. So we're even.
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Good. 'Cause I plan to stick around this time.
[It's a promise.]
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[ His voice is serious, a little demanding even perhaps. But then the moment is past, and he's moving to dish up ramen into bowls that appear out of nowhere, hand one off to his friend. He settles down as if he plans to eat quietly; he doesn't really mind more talking, but doesn't need it either, and it's pretty much just a matter of what Masaomi needs, now.
If his friend can eat something, it'll make Mikado feel a lot better, at least. ]
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When no vomit is imminent, one little sip is followed by another is followed by a cautious mouthful. Maybe it's the relief or even just Mikado's presence (because it's certainly not the taste), but it takes everything he has not to cry into the bowl.]